The Rather Indiscrete Journal of Mrs. B Maximized Living Observations – the First 40 Days

Day 1: Attended seminar hosted by Dr. B.J. Huh… Always thought Leptin was something one did with a swimming pool.

Day 2: Read book on Healing Diet. Upshot? No booze. No grains. No sugar. All organic meats… like, where the heck am I going to find grass fed chickens?

Day 4: Chickens don’t eat grass, apparently. Brain probably in sugar withdrawl.

Day 7: Massive sugar craving at work. Ate empty Timbit box. Co-workers suspect I am on diet. Note to self: Does Tim Horton’s use vegetable-based dyes on boxes? Do they count as a vegetable? A good source of fiber, maybe?

Day 9: Sugar craving subsiding. Hopefully teethmarks on my wooden desk can be sanded down.

Day 10 (provincial election day): Am reading labels. Apparently, a lot of food doesn’t have any actual food in it. I’m writing my MP! As soon as I figure out who my MP is.

Day 11: Sugar cravings mostly gone. Notice it doesn’t take as much food to feel full anymore. Walked by a full tin of cookies and didn’t even pause. Co-worker convinced I am some sort of alien replicant.

Later: Duncan Hines called in panic. Apparently, his stock is plummeting. Wants to know if it was something he said. Told him I was on diet. He cried for a full hour. Drama queen!

Day 13: Went into Health Food store. Asked the guy behind counter for Stevia, and he was all, “Stevia no work on Monday, Stevia work here only on Tuesday and Friday!” Am confused. Will listen to audio CD one more time.

Day 14. Fell off diet wagon slightly. Well, rather a lot, actually. Ate the entire $1.39 menu at MacDonalds. Am disgusted with self. Duncan Hines sent long angst-ridden note wanting about getting back together. Must resist!

Day 16. Am getting better at making the meals. Perhaps I should exercise. If only I could see feet.

Day 18: Fell off diet again at niece’s wedding. Double checked. Vodka coolers definitely NOT on diet plan. Tried to eat more veggies to balance out, but made terrible faux pas by devouring bridal bouquet.

Day 18: Still hungover. Am swearing off booze. Am also swearing off bouquets. Duncan Hines all huffy. Said he’s going back to Kirstie Alley. Whatever!

Day 21: Still having hard time sticking to new lifestyle. Helps to listen to CD every few days. Wonder if they could put out more catchy tunes with Nickelback-type riffs.

Day 23: Took Body Mass test. Is higher than expected. Technically, it appears I am cream.

Day 25: Leptin test back. Much higher than expected. Might be a teensy bit toxic.

LATER: Am very toxic apparently. B.J. now adjusting my back while wearing HAZMAT outfit. Most annoying, especially as outfit did not make him look fat.

Day 27: Despite being very very good about adhering to diet… no change in weight. Very depressing.

Day 28: Halloween; Ate rather a LOT of candy. Am noticing sugar makes me feel sick and twitchy.

Later: Am still awake at 4 a.m. due to sugar overdose. Watching shopping network. Is Joan Rivers embalmed now or what is up with that?

Day 33: Been back on track. Skin seems clearer. No PMS this month. I don’t need to blame farts on dog. Co-workers want to know if what I am on is legal.

Day 34: Out at friend’s for dinner. Completely off diet. Rather embarrassing actually. Is not good form to stick entire face into bowl of cheesy nacho jalapeño dip and lick clean. My bad.

Day 35. Back on diet. Tried burst training. Ran downtown. Vibrations created massive sinkhole at intersection. Am so embarrassed.

LATER: City blaming rotting infrastruction. Am off hook! YAY!

Day 38. Sudden drop in weight. Am down 8 lbs. What the heck?

Day 40: Still getting the hang of all this, but the Diet seems to be working.

Later: Wait… are those my feet?